Wayside School Is Falling Down Read online

  Maurecia was first in line.

  “And what would you like today, Maurecia?” Miss Mush asked. She knew the name of every child in Wayside School.

  Maurecia looked at the sign.

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  “Just milk,” said Maurecia. “I brought my lunch.” Miss Mush smiled and gave Maurecia a carton of milk.

  Joy was next in line.

  “And what would you like, Joy?” asked Miss Mush.

  “Milk,” said Joy.

  Miss Mush smiled and gave Joy a carton of milk. “And what would you like, Jason?”

  “Milk, please,” said Jason.

  “Just milk,” said Dameon.

  “Milk,” said D.J.

  “Milk,” said Leslie.

  It was almost Ron’s turn. He hadn’t brought a lunch. He normally brought a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school, but there hadn’t been a single slice of bread in his house this morning.

  “I know!” his mother had said. “I’ll give you some money and you can buy a nice hot lunch from Miss Mush!” She thought it was a brilliant idea.

  “Can’t I just have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the bread?” Ron had asked.

  Now he looked up at the sign.

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  He wished he weren’t so hungry.

  This was the eighteenth day in a row that the special was Mushroom Surprise. It was called Mushroom Surprise because it would have been a surprise if anybody had ever ordered it. No one ever did—except Louis, of course. That’s why they’d had it for eighteen days. There was always plenty left over.

  “Milk,” said Terrence.

  “Milk,” said Sharie.

  “Milk,” said Calvin.

  “Milk, please,” said Bebe.

  “And what would you like today, Ron?” asked Miss Mush.

  Ron took a breath. “Mushroom Surprise,” he squeaked.

  Tears of joy filled Miss Mush’s eyes. She blew her nose on her apron, then said, “One Mushroom Surprise, coming right up!”

  Tears came to Ron’s eyes too, but for a different reason. He looked at the Mushroom Surprise. It was sort of green.

  So was Ron.

  Miss Mush proudly dumped a hot lump of Mushroom Surprise on a paper plate and handed it to Ron. He put it on his tray, then pushed it over to the cash register, where he paid for it.

  The news quickly spread around the cafeteria, then up and down the stairs and out to the playground.

  “Ron ordered the Mushroom Surprise!”

  “Ron ordered the Mushroom Surprise!”

  Mrs. Jewls was sitting in the teachers’ lounge on the twelfth floor when Bebe burst into the room.

  All the teachers were shocked to see her.

  “Bebe, you’re not allowed in here,” said Mrs. Jewls. “This is a secret place.”

  “Ron ordered the Mushroom Surprise!” Bebe shouted; then she ran back up to the cafeteria.

  As Ron sat down at a table, eighty-seven kids crowded around him to watch him eat.

  “I wonder what the surprise is,” said Deedee. She had the best view. She was pushed right up alongside Ron’s chair.

  “Maybe it tastes good,” said Leslie. “Maybe that’s the surprise.”

  “No, I think it’s called Mushroom Surprise because after you eat it, it’s a surprise if you don’t die,” said Mac.

  “Louis eats it. He’s not dead,” said Jason.

  “Louis has been eating Miss Mush’s food for so long, he’s immune to it,” said Allison.

  Ron dug his plastic fork into the goop. He raised it to his mouth.

  Dana covered her eyes. “I can’t watch!” she exclaimed.

  Ron opened his mouth wide. The fork entered. He brought the fork out again.

  It was empty!

  Ron chewed twice, then swallowed.

  “He ate it!” Deedee announced for those who couldn’t see.

  Stephen screamed.

  “Hmm,” said Ron. “Not too bad. It sort of tastes like a mixture of bananas and spinach.”

  “What’s the surprise?” asked Deedee.

  Ron looked at Deedee. His face flushed and his eyes changed color. His whole body began to shake, like a washing machine on the spin cycle.

  Deedee was afraid he was going to throw up. She tried to get away, but with everyone crowded around, there was no room for her to move.

  But Ron didn’t throw up. He stood up, put his arms around Deedee’s neck, and kissed her smack on the lips.

  He sat back down. His eyes returned to their normal color.

  “Ylah!” said Deedee, wiping her mouth on her sleeve.

  “What’s the matter?” asked Ron.

  “Don’t you know what you just did?” asked Allison.

  He shrugged. “I ate some Mushroom Surprise. It wasn’t bad. Sort of like a mixture of a hot dog and grape jelly. I wonder what the surprise is.”

  He dug his plastic fork back into the goop.

  Everybody ran away.

  When Mrs. Jewls entered the cafeteria, no one was there except for Ron. He was sitting alone at a table eating Mushroom Surprise.

  Mrs. Jewls sat down next to him. “Hi, Ron,” she said. “So how does it taste? And what’s the surprise?”

  Ron swallowed another mouthful. He looked at his teacher. His face flushed and his eyes changed color … .

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  Chapter 10

  Music

  Benjamin still hadn’t told anybody he wasn’t Mark Miller.

  His grades had never been better. Mark Miller is a lot smarter than Benjamin Nushmutt, he thought.

  When they chose up teams for kickball, he was always the first one picked. Mark Miller is a better kicker than Benjamin Nushmutt, he realized.

  The girls in the class liked him too. Mark Miller is better looking than Benjamin Nushmutt, he decided.

  But unfortunately, he knew he had to tell Mrs. Jewls his real name. He sighed, then slowly raised his hand.

  Mrs. Jewls gave him a tambourine.

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  He had been so busy thinking about his problem, he hadn’t noticed that Mrs. Jewls was passing out musical instruments. She had just asked, “Who would like the tambourine?” So when he raised his hand, she gave it to him.

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  “Who would like the triangle?” asked Mrs. Jewls. Joe raised his hand, and Mrs. Jewls gave it to him.

  “Why is it called a triangle?” asked Joe.

  “I don’t know,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Maybe because it’s shaped like a triangle,” suggested John.

  “No, that can’t be it,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Then the tambourine would have to be called a circle.”

  “Maybe it was invented by a person named Joe Triangle,” said Rondi.

  “That’s probably it,” said Mrs. Jewls. She held up the next instrument. It was a glockenspiel. “Who would like the glockenspiel?” she asked.

  Sharie raised her hand.

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  Nobody asked why it was called a glockenspiel. It was obvious.

  Mrs. Jewls gave the bells to Stephen.

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  “Why are they called bells?” he asked.

  Nobody knew.

  Joy got the bongo drums. Todd got the bass drum. Jenny snared the snare drum. And Leslie got the kettledrum.

  When they banged on them, it hurt everybody else’s eardrums.

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  Mrs. Jewls gave one cymbal to Calvin and the other cymbal to Bebe.

  D.J. got the gong. The three Erics got
kazoos.

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  Mrs. Jewls shouted, “Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!”

  The children all played their instruments. They shook, rattled, rocked, and rolled.

  Joy bonged her bongos. D.J. gonged his gong. Sharie glockened her glockenspiel. Stephen jingled his bells. Calvin and Bebe slapped their cymbals together. And Joe’s triangle went ting.

  But something didn’t sound right.

  “What’s wrong, Mark?” Mrs. Jewls shouted over the music. “Why aren’t you playing the tambourine?”

  “My name’s not Mark,” said Benjamin. “It’s Benjamin Nushmutt. I’m sorry for not telling you before.”

  “What?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “I can’t hear you.”

  “My name isn’t Mark!” he said. “It’s Benjamin.”

  “Louder!” said Mrs. Jewls.

  So everyone played louder.

  Todd bashed his bass drum. Leslie cooked on her kettledrum. Calvin and Bebe crashed their cymbals together. And Joe’s triangle went ting.

  “My name is Benjamin!” shouted Benjamin.

  Mrs. Jewls put her hand to her ear. “Louder!” she said.

  So everyone played louder.

  D.J. kabonged his gong. Joy chongoed her bongos. Paul splacked his castanets. Jenny spaghettied her snare drum. Calvin and Bebe wammered their cymbals. And Joe’s triangle went ting.

  “My name’s Benjamin Nushmutt,” hollered Benjamin Nushmutt.

  “Louder!” yelled Mrs. Jewls.

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  So everyone played louder.

  The there Erics screamed into their kazoos. Calvin and Bebe ran to opposite sides of the room with their cymbals, then charged toward each other.

  Suddenly the door flew open, and a man entered. Benjamin had never seen him before.

  The whole class became very quiet.

  It was Mr. Kidswatter, the principal.

  Calvin and Bebe screeched to a halt just in time. Their cymbals were less than an inch apart.

  “Is something the matter, Mr. Kidswatter?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Several teachers have complained about your music,” said Mr. Kidswatter. “Their students are having trouble hearing.”

  “I understand,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Good,” said Mr. Kidswatter. He walked out of the room.

  “Okay, you heard Mr. Kidswatter,” said Mrs. Jewls. “We’ll have to play louder so everyone can hear. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!”

  They shook, rattled, rocked, and rolled.

  Benjamin frampled his tambourine.

  “Excellent, Mark!” shouted Mrs. Jewls.

  He smiled. He had never played so well before. Mark Miller is a better musician than Benjamin Nushmutt, he thought.

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  Chapter 11

  Kathy and D.J.

  Down on the playground Kathy was singing her favorite song.

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  “Wayside School is falling down,

  falling down, falling down.

  Wayside School is falling down,

  my fair lady.

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  “Kids go splat as they hit the ground,

  hit the ground, hit the ground.

  Kids go splat as they hit the ground,

  my fair lady.”

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  D.J. was walking across the playground with his head down.

  “Hi, Dr. Jolly,” said Louis. Louis called D.J. “Doctor Jolly” because he was always smiling.

  But now D.J.’s smile was upside down. He looked up at Louis.

  Louis had never seen such a sad face. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  D.J. just shook his head, then looked back down at the ground and sadly walked away.

  Louis felt like crying.

  “Hey, Louis, what’s wrong with D.J.?” asked Ron.

  “He’s so sad!” said Deedee.

  “I don’t know,” said Louis, shaking his head. “Hey, you guys want to play kickball?”

  “No thanks,” said Deedee. “I can’t have fun when D.J. is unhappy.”

  “Me neither,” said Ron.

  Across the playground, all the children quit their games when they saw D.J. Nobody could have fun when D.J. looked so sad.

  Except Kathy! She sang:

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  “Broken bones and blood and gore,

  blood and gore, blood and gore.

  Broken bones and blood and gore,

  my fair lady.

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  “We don’t have no school no more,

  school no more, school no more.

  We don’t have no school no more,

  my fair lady.”

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  The bell rang. D.J. sadly looked up at the school and sighed.

  “Hey, Deej, snap out of it,” said Myron. D.J. stared through his friend.

  “You want to walk up the stairs with us, Dojo?” asked Dameon.

  D.J. shook his head. “I need to be alone,” he mumbled.

  Dameon and Myron looked at each other, then started up the stairs, leaving their sad friend behind.

  D.J. headed on up, but stopped halfway between the ninth and tenth floors and sat down. He lowered his face into his hands and cried.

  A moment later someone burst out laughing.

  D.J. opened his eyes and saw Kathy standing over him.

  “You shouldn’t sit on the stairs, Dumb Jerk!” said Kathy with glee. “I almost kicked you in the head.”

  Kathy always called D.J. “Dumb Jerk.”

  She didn’t like D.J. because he was always smiling. Now she was glad to see him so sad.

  “Hi, Kathy,” said D.J.

  She plopped down on the stair next to him. “What happened?” she asked. “Did your dog die?” She laughed.

  D.J. shook his head.

  “Are your parents getting divorced?” she asked hopefully. “Did your house burn down?”

  “No,” said D.J. “My great-grandfather gave me a gold watch. It was over a hundred years old. I brought it to school today and—”

  “You lost it!” Kathy exclaimed with delight.

  D.J. sadly nodded.

  Kathy laughed. “Oh boy, are you going to get in trouble!” She rubbed her hands together. “Your parents will ground you forever!”

  “No, my parents never punish me,” said D.J. “They know I learn from my mistakes.”

  “Oh,” said Kathy, a little disappointed. “But your great-grandfather will hate you!” she said. “And he’ll never give you another present for the rest of your life. Not even for your birthday!”

  “No, he loves me no matter what I do,” said D.J. “He likes people, not things.”

  Again Kathy was disappointed. “But the watch was worth a lot of money,” she tried. “And you’ll have to pay for it out of your allowance.” She laughed triumphantly, sure she had gotten him this time.

  “I don’t get an allowance,” said D.J. “I don’t like money.”

  Kathy frowned. Still, she knew there had to be some reason why he was sad about losing the watch. “You’ll never know what time it is!” she squawked.

  “So?” asked D.J. “Time isn’t real.”

  Kathy didn’t know what D.J. meant by that, but she didn’t care. “Well, if you don’t know what time it is,” she told him, “you’ll miss all your favorite television shows.”

  “I don’t have a favorite television show,” said D.J. “I never watch television.” He thought a moment. “I’m not sure if we have a TV in our house or not. Maybe there’s one in a closet somewhere.”

  Kathy glared at him. “Well, then how come you’re so sad you lost that dum
b watch?” she demanded.

  “I’m afraid a bird might think it’s food and choke on it,” said D.J.

  “Is that all?” shrieked Kathy.

  D.J. smiled. “I guess you’re right,” he said. “A bird probably wouldn’t choke. In fact, maybe he could use it to make a nest. I hope so, don’t you?” He hopped to his feet. “Thanks for talking to me, Kathy. I feel a lot better now. You’re a good friend.”

  He hurried up to Mrs. Jewls’s room, taking the stairs two and three at a time.

  As D.J.’s smile turned up, Kathy’s smile turned down. She followed up after him, grumbling to herself. “He doesn’t like money. He doesn’t worry about time. He never watches television. Why is he always so happy?”

  Everyone in Mrs. Jewls’s class cheered when they saw D.J. enter the room smiling.

  Kathy walked in behind him frowning.

  Mrs. Jewls was getting ready to show a movie. She gave D.J. a piece of black construction paper.

  “Hey, look!” exclaimed Myron. “Oddly found a watch!”

  Oddly, the bird, dropped the watch on the windowsill.

  Kathy couldn’t believe it! “It’s D.J.’s,” she griped.

  Myron gave the watch to D.J.

  “Here, you can have it, Kathy,” said D.J. with a big smile. “It’s worth a lot of money, and this way you won’t miss any of your favorite television shows.”

  Kathy took the watch from him and put it around her wrist. “It’ll probably make my skin turn green,” she groused.

  Mrs. Jewls started the movie projector. Stephen turned off the lights. Dameon pulled down the shades. D.J. held the piece of black construction paper under his nose, because his smile was so bright.

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  Chapter 12

  Pencils

  Jason borrowed a pencil from Allison. When he gave it back to her, it was full of teeth marks.

  Allison held the pencil by its point. “Yuck!” she said. “You chewed on it.”

  Jason felt awful. It is very embarrassing to borrow somebody’s pencil and then chew on it. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t do it on purpose.”