Sideways Stories from Wayside School Read online

  Jason walked back from the blackboard to his desk and sat down. “Mrs. Jewls,” he called, “I’m STUCK!”

  Rondi and Allison giggled again.

  Mrs. Jewls got angry. “Joy, you’re going home on the kindergarten bus today.”

  “Oh, good,” said Todd. “I’ll have some company.” Todd went home on the kindergarten bus every day. He could never seem to make it to twelve o’clock without getting into trouble three times. His name wasn’t even up on the blackboard yet. But he knew that by twelve o’clock it would be up, checked, and circled.

  “Mrs. Jewls, what am I going to do? I’m stuck! I’m going to have to stay here the rest of my life!” said Jason.

  “Joy, tell Jason you’re sorry,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “I’m sorry, Jason,” said Joy.

  “Oh, that’s okay, Joy,” said Jason. “I don’t mind.”

  “Try to get up, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  Jason tried. “I can’t, Mrs. Jewls. I’m stuck.”

  Mrs. Jewls asked the three Erics to help. Eric Fry and Eric Ovens pulled Jason. Eric Bacon held the chair.

  “Stop,” cried Jason. “You’ll rip my pants.”

  Rondi and Allison giggled.

  “All right,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Let’s try ice water. That should freeze the gum and make it less sticky. I’ll go get some from Miss Mush.”

  Miss Mush was the lunch teacher at Wayside School. She had the remarkable ability to undercook a dish and overcook it at the same time. Her specialty was a nice, hot bowl of mud. She called it porridge.

  Jason looked at Rondi and Allison. “No, Mrs. Jewls,” he said. “Don’t leave me. Besides, Miss Mush’s ice water is probably warm.”

  “Don’t be silly, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’m sure it will be at least as cold as her soups.”

  Rondi and Allison leered at Jason.

  “No, Mrs. Jewls, don’t go!” begged Jason.

  “I’ll be right back, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls. She went to Miss Mush for some ice water.

  As soon as Mrs. Jewls stepped out the door, Rondi and Allison jumped up from their seats and started to tickle Jason. He laughed until his hair turned purple. The girls got back to their seats just as Mrs. Jewls returned.

  Mrs. Jewls carried a big bucket of ice cold water.

  “Oh, no, please don’t, no!” Jason pleaded.

  “We have no choice,” said Mrs. Jewls. She threw the water all over him.

  “Well,” said Mrs. Jewls, “try to get up.”

  Jason was drenched. “I’m wet and I’m cold and I’m still stuck!”

  “Oh, well, it didn’t work,” said Mrs. Jewls. “At least we tried. Now I guess we’ll have to cut your pants off.”

  Rondi and Allison giggled.

  “No, Mrs. Jewls, no!” Jason screamed. “I don’t mind being stuck here. I’m really very comfortable.”

  “Don’t be silly, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Don’t cut off my pants,” said Jason.

  “The three Erics can carry you to the bathroom,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’ll ask Louis to call your mother. She can bring you a new pair of pants.”

  The three Erics took hold of Jason’s chair and turned him upside down.

  “No, Mrs. Jewls,” said Jason. “Now I’ll always have a place to sit down. I won’t have to worry about finding a seat on the bus.”

  The three Erics began to take him away.

  “Wait,” said Joy. “Mrs. Jewls, if I can get Jason unstuck, do I still have to go home on the kindergarten bus?”

  “All right,” said Mrs. Jewls. “If you can somehow get Jason free, you don’t have to go home early.”

  “Don’t trust her, Mrs. Jewls,” said Jason. He was still hanging upside down.

  “I’ll just kiss him,” said Joy.

  “No!” Jason screamed. “Don’t let her kiss me, Mrs. Jewls. Throw water on me. Tickle me. Cut off my pants. Hang me upside down from the ceiling. But don’t let her kiss me!”

  “I’ll just kiss him on the nose,” said Joy.

  “We’ve got nothing to lose, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Oooooh, who would want to kiss Jason!” said Allison.

  Jason hung helplessly upside down.

  Joy stepped up and kissed him on the nose.

  Jason fell out of the chair and hit his head on the floor.

  Rondi and Allison giggled.

  “Darn,” said Todd. “Now I’ll have to go home alone again.”

  Joy erased her name from the blackboard.

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  13

  Rondi

  Rondi had twenty-two beautiful teeth. Everyone else had twenty-four. Rondi was missing her two front teeth. And those were the most beautiful teeth of all.

  “Your front teeth are so cute,” said Mrs. Jewls. “They make you look just adorable.”

  “But, Mrs. Jewls,” said Rondi. “I don’t have any front teeth.”

  “I know,” said Mrs. Jewls. “That’s what makes them so cute.”

  Rondi didn’t understand.

  “Oooh, Rondi, I just love your two front teeth,” said Maurecia. “I wish I had some like that.”

  “But I don’t have them,” said Rondi.

  “That’s why I love them so much,” said Maurecia.

  “Oh, this is silly,” said Rondi. “Everybody thinks the teeth I don’t have are cute. I’m not wearing a coat. Don’t you all just love my coat? And what about my third arm? I don’t have one. Isn’t it lovely?”

  “Love your hat, Rondi,” said Joy.

  “I’m not wearing a hat!” Rondi screamed.

  “That’s what makes it so interesting,” said Joy. “Don’t you think so, Leslie?”

  “Oh, yes,” said Leslie. “It’s a very nice hat. Nice boots, too.”

  “I’m not wearing boots!” Rondi insisted.

  “Yes,” said Joy, “very nice boots. They go so well with your hat.”

  “What hat?” asked Rondi.

  “Yes,” Leslie agreed. “Rondi showed excellent taste by not wearing the hat or the boots. They go so well together.”

  Rondi had had enough. She covered her head so nobody could see her hat. She put her feet under her desk so nobody could see her boots. Then she closed her mouth tightly so nobody could see her two front teeth.

  Suddenly, everybody who was sitting near her began to laugh.

  “What’s so funny?” asked Todd.

  “The joke Rondi didn’t tell,” said Jason.

  “Ask Rondi not to tell it again, Todd,” said Calvin.

  “Rondi,” said Todd, “don’t tell it again.”

  Rondi was horrified. She didn’t know what to do. She kept her mouth shut and just stared at Todd. To her amazement, Todd laughed.

  “Hey, everybody,” called Todd. “Listen to Rondi’s joke.”

  Rondi didn’t say a word, but the rest of the class began to laugh.

  Mrs. Jewls got very angry. She wrote Rondi’s name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.

  “The classroom is not the place for jokes,” she said.

  “But, Mrs. Jewls,” said Rondi. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

  “Yes, I know,” said Mrs. Jewls, “but the funniest jokes are the ones that remain untold.”

  “Okay, okay,” said Rondi. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get. I’ll really tell a joke. That way I won’t disturb the class. And tomorrow I’ll wear boots and a hat. Of course, you won’t like them as much as the ones I didn’t wear today. But I better hurry up and tell my joke before you all start to laugh.

  “There was a monkey sitting in a banana tree. He was very hungry. He knew that somewhere in the tree there was a magic banana, and that once he ate that banana, he wouldn’t be hungry anymore. He ate one banana. That wasn’t it. He was still hungry. He ate another banana. That one wasn’t it, either. He was still hungry. Finally, after he ate his tenth banana, he wasn’t hungry anymore. ‘I knew I’d find it,’
he said. ‘It’s too bad I didn’t eat that one first. I wouldn’t have had to waste all those other bananas.’ ”

  Nobody laughed. Nobody had even listened to Rondi. Mrs. Jewls was busy teaching arithmetic, and everybody else was paying strict attention.

  Rondi slapped herself in the face to make sure she was really there. She was.

  The bell rang for recess. Rondi ran outside. She was very upset.

  Louis, the yard teacher, saw her. “Why the frown, Rondi?” he asked. “Come on, smile. Let me see your cute front teeth.”

  Rondi screamed. She socked Louis in the stomach, then bit his arm with her missing teeth. And that kind of bite hurts the worst.

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  14

  Sammy

  It was a horrible, stinky, rainy day. Some rainy days are fun and exciting, but not this one. This one stunk. All the children were wet and wore smelly raincoats. The whole room smelled awful.

  “Ooooh, it stinks in here,” said Maurecia.

  Everybody laughed. But she was right.

  There was one good thing, however. There was a new boy in class. New kids are always fun. Except no one could even tell what the new boy looked like. He was completely covered by his raincoat.

  “Class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’d like you all to meet Sammy. Let us show him what a nice class we can be.”

  Leslie walked up and smiled at Sammy. But her smile quickly turned into a frown. “You smell terrible,” she said.

  “Leslie!” exclaimed Mrs. Jewls. “That’s no way to greet a new member of our class.” Mrs. Jewls wrote Leslie’s name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.

  “But he does, Mrs. Jewls,” said Leslie. “He smells awful.”

  “You’re ugly,” Sammy replied.

  “Now, Sammy, that’s no way to talk,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Leslie’s a very pretty girl.”

  “She’s ugly,” said Sammy.

  Allison spoke up. “Well, you smell terrible and are probably even uglier. But nobody can see you because you are hiding under that smelly old raincoat.”

  “That will be enough of that,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Now, Sammy, why don’t you take off your coat and hang it in the closet? Let us all see how nice you look.”

  “I don’t want to, you old windbag,” said Sammy.

  “That’s because he’s so ugly,” said Leslie.

  “I’m sure he’s quite handsome,” said Mrs. Jewls. “He’s just shy. Here, let me help you.” Mrs. Jewls took off Sammy’s coat for him. But underneath it was still another raincoat, even dirtier and smellier than the first one.

  They still couldn’t see his face.

  “Ooooh, now he smells even worse,” said Maurecia.

  “You don’t exactly smell like a rose, either,” Sammy replied.

  Mrs. Jewls took off his second raincoat, but there was still another one under that. And the smell became so bad that Mrs. Jewls had to run and stick her head out the window to get some fresh air.

  “You’re all a bunch of pigs!” Sammy screeched. “Dirty, rotten pigs!”

  The smell was overpowering. Sammy just stood there, hidden under his raincoats.

  Mrs. Jewls wrote Sammy’s name under the word DISCIPLINE.

  “Send him home on the kindergarten bus,” said Joy.

  “Not with me,” said Todd.

  Mrs. Jewls held her nose, walked up to Sammy, and removed his raincoat. She threw it out the window. But he had on still another one.

  Sammy hissed. “Hey, old windbag, watch where you throw my good clothes!”

  Mrs. Jewls put a check next to Sammy’s name on the blackboard. Then she took off another raincoat and threw it out the window. The smell got worse, for he had on still another one.

  Sammy began to laugh. His horrible laugh was even worse than his horrible voice.

  When Sammy first came into the room, he was four feet tall. But after Mrs. Jewls removed six of his raincoats, he was only three feet tall. And there were still more raincoats to go.

  Mrs. Jewls circled his name and removed another coat. She threw it out the window. Then she put a triangle around the circle and threw another one of his coats outside. She kept doing this until Sammy was only one-and-a-half feet high. With every coat she took off, Sammy’s laugh got louder and the smell got worse.

  Some of the children held their ears. Others could hold only one ear because they were holding their nose with the other hand. It was hard to say which was worse, the laugh or the smell.

  Sammy stopped laughing and said, “Hey, old windbag, if you take off one more of my coats and throw it out the window, I’ll bite your head off.”

  “They smell too bad for me to allow them in my classroom,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You can pick them up when you leave.”

  “They smell better than you do, Pighead!” Sammy shouted.

  Mrs. Jewls didn’t stop. She took off another one of his coats, then another, and another. Sammy was only four inches tall, three inches tall, two inches tall. At last she removed the final coat.

  All that was there was a dead rat.

  “Well, I don’t allow dead rats in my classroom,” said Mrs. Jewls. She picked it up by the tail, put it in a plastic bag, and threw it away.

  Mrs. Jewls didn’t allow dead rats in her class. Todd once brought in a dead rat for show-and-tell, and Mrs. Jewls made him throw that one away, too.

  “I’m glad Sammy isn’t allowed in our classroom,” said Rondi. “I didn’t like him very much.”

  “Yes,” said Mrs. Jewls, “we caught another one.”

  Dead rats were always trying to sneak into Mrs. Jewls’s class. That was the third one she’d caught since September.

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  15

  Deedee

  This story contains a problem and a solution.

  Deedee was a mousey looking kid. Unlike most children at Wayside School, she liked recess better than spelling. As soon as the recess bell rang, she would jump up from her seat and run out the door.

  There were big signs in Wayside School on every floor, “NO JUMPING DOWN THE STAIRS.”

  Deedee never seemed to notice the signs. She jumped down the stairs. Some children took the stairs two at a time. Deedee took them ten at a time. That was on the way down. It was funny. She never seemed to be in quite the same hurry on the way back up.

  There was another sign at Wayside School. “NO CUTTING ACROSS THE GRASS.” Deedee must not ever have seen that one, either. She cut across the grass and ran up to Louis, the yard teacher.

  “I want a green ball,” Deedee said. The green balls were the best.

  “I’m all out of green balls,” said Louis.

  “Okay, then I want a red ball,” said Deedee. The red balls were just about as good as the green balls. They didn’t bounce as high, but actually, sometimes you don’t want a ball to bounce too high.

  “I’m all out of red balls, too,” said Louis.

  “Do you have anything left?” asked Deedee.

  Deedee meant anything besides the yellow ball. There was one yellow ball at Wayside School and Louis was always trying to get rid of it. It didn’t bounce, and it never went the way it was kicked.

  “Anything at all?” asked Deedee.

  “Today is your lucky day,” said Louis. “I have one ball left, just for you; the one and only yellow ball!”

  “No, thanks,” said Deedee.

  “Aw, come on, take it,” said Louis.

  “Why don’t you ever have any green or red balls?” asked Deedee.

  “I do,” said Louis. “But the other children ask first. By the time you get out here, they’re all gone.”

  “But that’s because I have to come all the way from the thirtieth story. How do you expect me to compete with the kids from the first or second?” she asked.

  “That’s why I saved you the yellow ball,” said Louis. “Everybody wanted it, but I saved it just for you.”

  “I bet,” said
Deedee.

  She took the yellow ball and bounced it on the ground. It stopped dead with a thud. She stepped back, ran up, and kicked it. It went backwards over her head. She didn’t bother chasing it.

  Instead she played hopscotch with Jennie and Leslie. She thought it was disgusting.

  The next day, Deedee asked Mrs. Jewls if she could go to recess early.

  “Why?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “So I can get a green ball before Louis gives them all away,” said Deedee.

  “I’m glad you have a good reason,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Yes, you may go. But first, spell Mississippi for me.”

  Spelling was not Deedee’s best subject. By the time she finally got it right, she was five minutes late for recess.

  She jumped down the stairs, cut across the grass, and ran up to Louis. There were no green balls left. There were no red balls left, either. However, there was still the yellow ball.

  Deedee played jump rope with Joy and Maurecia. It was no better than hopscotch.

  So Deedee’s problem was to figure out a way to get a green ball, or at least a red ball.

  You already know that this story also contains a solution. Deedee figured it out. See if you can, too. Remember everything you know about Deedee, Wayside School, and Mrs. Jewls.

  Hint: The next day, Deedee brought a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, some nuts, and shredded cheese in her lunchbox.

  Here’s what happened.

  Just before recess, Deedee smeared the cream cheese and jelly all over her face. Then she stuffed her mouth with nuts and hung the shredded cheese from her nose. When she closed her eyes, she looked just like a dead rat.

  Todd was in on the plan. “Mrs. Jewls,” he called. “There’s a dead rat in the classroom.”

  Mrs. Jewls was very put out. “I want that dead rat outside immediately!”

  When Mrs. Jewls said immediately, she meant it. Deedee instantly found herself outside on the playground.

  “I want a green ball,” she said.

  Louis pretended that he hadn’t heard her.