Sideways Stories from Wayside School Read online

  “She claims she knows nothing,” the first man answered. “She says she was late today, and when she got here everybody was gone.”

  “Do you believe her?” asked the man with the bald head.

  “I’m not sure. She was working on her speller when I walked in.” He reached into his attaché case and took out Jenny’s speller. He handed it to the man with the bald head.

  The bald man read Jenny’s name across the top of it. “Tell me, Jenny,” he said, “why are you the only one here?”

  “I don’t know,” said Jenny.

  “Has this ever happened before?” he asked.

  “No, never,” said Jenny.

  He gave Jenny her speller. “Put this inside your desk.”

  Jenny put it away.

  “I’m satisfied,” said the man with the bald head.

  “Okay, Jennifer,” said the first man, “you may go now.”

  Jenny got out of her seat.

  “Jenny,” the bald man called.

  Jenny turned slowly around. “Yes?” she whispered.

  “Next time, don’t come to school on a Saturday.”

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  26

  Terrence

  Terrence was a good athlete but a bad sport.

  Rondi and Allison were playing two-square with a red ball.

  “Can I play?” asked Terrence.

  “No,” Allison replied.

  “You have to let me play,” Terrence said. “Louis says we have to share the balls.”

  “Well, we’re not sharing with you,” said Allison.

  “Oh, let him play,” said Rondi.

  “All right,” said Allison. “We’ll play three-square. You better play right.”

  “I will,” said Terrence.

  Allison bounced the ball to Rondi. Rondi bounced it over to Terrence. Terrence caught it and kicked it over the fence.

  “You have to go get it,” said Allison.

  “Shut up, Dixie cup,” Terrence answered.

  Rondi ran and told Louis.

  D.J. and Dameon were playing basketball. “Uh-oh, here comes Terrence,” said Dameon.

  “Hey, let me play,” said Terrence.

  “Get lost, Terrence,” said Dameon.

  “You have to share the balls. Louis says so,” said Terrence.

  “Okay, but just throw it in the basket. Don’t kick it,” said Dameon.

  “I won’t,” said Terrence.

  First Dameon took a shot. It bounced off the backboard and through the hoop.

  Next D.J. took a shot. He threw it underhand, way up in the air. It came down through the hoop without touching the rim.

  Then Terrence took a shot. He kicked it over the fence.

  “You idiot,” said Dameon.

  “Take a train, peanut brain,” Terrence answered.

  D.J. went and told Louis.

  Stephen, Calvin, Joe, John, and Leslie were playing spud. Stephen was IT. Everyone else had a number. Stephen had to throw the ball up in the air and call out a number. The person who had that number had to try to catch it.

  “Can I play?” asked Terrence.

  “No,” said Calvin. “You’ll just kick the ball over the fence.”

  “No,” said Joe.

  “No way,” said John.

  “No,” said Leslie.

  “Sure,” said Stephen. “Newcomers are IT.” He gave the ball to Terrence. “Just throw the ball up in the air and call out a number between one and five.”

  “Okay,” said Terrence.

  The children formed a circle around Terrence.

  “A million,” yelled Terrence as he kicked the ball over the fence.

  “What did you do that for?” asked Stephen.

  “Eat a frog, warthog,” said Terrence.

  Stephen ran and told Louis.

  Terrence looked around. There was nothing to do. There were no balls left.

  Louis walked up to him. He was followed by Allison, Rondi, Dameon, D.J., Stephen, Calvin, Joe, John, and Leslie.

  “What’s the matter, Terrence?” asked Louis.

  “There are no balls,” said Terrence. “Do you have a green ball?”

  “No,” said Louis. “All of my balls have mysteriously disappeared.”

  “Darn it,” said Terrence. “There is nothing left to kick.”

  “Nothing left to kick?” asked Louis. “Oh, I don’t know about that. What do you think, Rondi? Is there anything left to kick?”

  Rondi thought a minute. Then she smiled. She was missing her two front teeth. “Yes, there is something left to kick,” she said.

  “Well where is it?” asked Terrence.

  “Let me check with Allison,” said Louis. “Allison, is there anything left to kick?” He winked at her.

  “There sure is,” said Allison.

  “What, what?” asked Terrence.

  “How about you, Dameon?” asked Louis. “Can you think of anything?”

  Dameon nodded his head yes.

  “Well, what is it?” asked Terrence. He couldn’t wait.

  “D.J., we got anything around here to kick?” asked Louis.

  D.J. smiled. “Yes, we do,” he said.

  “Give it to me. Give it to me,” Terrence demanded.

  “I don’t know if I should,” said Louis. “What do you think, Calvin? Should I give it to him?”

  “I think you should,” said Calvin.

  “You heard Calvin,” said Terrence. “Give it to me.”

  “Not so fast,” said Louis. “Leslie, should I give it to him?”

  “Oh, yes, I think he deserves it,” said Leslie.

  “Give it to me. Give it to me,” Terrence repeated.

  “Do you also think he deserves it, Joe?” asked Louis.

  “Yes, I think so,” said Joe.

  “What about you, John?” asked Louis.

  “Definitely give it to him,” John answered.

  “Come on. Come on,” said Terrence. “Recess is almost over.”

  “We’ll leave it up to Stephen,” said Louis. “Whatever he says goes.”

  “Let him have it,” said Stephen.

  “You heard him, Louis,” said Terrence. “Let me have it.”

  “Okay,” said Louis.

  He picked Terrence up and kicked him over the fence.

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  27

  Joy

  Joy had forgotten her lunch at home. It was lunchtime. She was hungry.

  She didn’t have a meal ticket. If she had had a meal ticket, she could have had a lunch from Miss Mush, the lunch teacher. She’d have to be terribly hungry to eat a lunch made by Miss Mush. Even an empty brown paper sack would taste better. But that’s how hungry Joy was.

  Dameon hadn’t forgotten his lunch. He had brought a lovely turkey sandwich, a big piece of chocolate cake, and a crisp, red apple. All he needed was a glass of milk. He could get that from Miss Mush. Miss Mush didn’t know how to ruin milk.

  Dameon left his lunch on his desk and went to the end of the milk line.

  Joy didn’t waste any time. She reached into Dameon’s sack and took out the apple. But then she spotted the turkey sandwich. She put back the apple, took the sandwich, and noticed the chocolate cake. She put back the sandwich and took out the cake.

  But then Joy had second thoughts. She put back the cake. Then she grabbed Dameon’s whole lunch.

  First she ate the sandwich. It was in a Baggie. When she finished the sandwich, she placed the Baggie on Jason’s desk.

  Next she ate the chocolate cake. It was wrapped in wax paper. She put the wax paper on Allison’s desk.

  She ate the apple last. She placed the apple core on Deedee’s desk.

  Then she put the empty sack on Calvin’s desk.

  Dameon returned with his glass of milk. “Mrs. Jewls, my lunch is gone!” he called.

  “I wonder where it could be,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Calvin took it,” said Joy.
“There’s the empty sack on his desk.”

  “Good work, Joy,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Calvin, I’m ashamed of you.” She wrote Calvin’s name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.

  “Look, the Baggie from Dameon’s turkey sandwich is on Jason’s desk!” Joy called.

  “Very good, Joy,” said Mrs. Jewls. “But how did you know that Dameon had a turkey sandwich?”

  “I’m just smart,” said Joy.

  Mrs. Jewls wrote Jason’s name on the blackboard under Calvin’s.

  §

  “And there’s the wax paper from the delicious chocolate cake on Allison’s desk,” Joy announced. Joy had chocolate all around her lips.

  Allison stood firm. She looked into Mrs. Jewls’s eyes. “I didn’t eat his cake,” she said.

  “The evidence is there on your desk,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Joy spotted it.” She wrote Allison’s name under Jason’s.

  “Dameon’s apple core is on Deedee’s desk,” said Joy.

  “Very good, Joy,” said Mrs. Jewls. She wrote Deedee’s name under Allison’s.

  “Dameon, I think you ought to thank Joy,” said Mrs. Jewls. “She solved the mystery.”

  “Thank you, Joy,” said Dameon.

  Just then, Louis, the yard teacher, walked in. “I have your lunch, Joy,” he said. “Your mother brought it. You left it at home.”

  “You mean you didn’t have a lunch?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “You must be very hungry.”

  “No,” said Joy, “not really. Since Dameon didn’t get to eat, he can have it.”

  “Thanks a lot!” said Dameon. “You are the greatest!”

  He ate Joy’s lunch, an old bologna sandwich and a dried-up carrot.

  “Joy, for being such a good detective, and for being so generous with your lunch, you may help yourself to a Tootsie Roll pop,” said Mrs. Jewls. “They are in the coffee can on top of my desk.”

  Joy took one. Then, when Mrs. Jewls wasn’t looking, she took another.

  Calvin, Jason, Allison, and Deedee had their names on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE. But they were good the rest of the day, so at two o’clock Mrs. Jewls erased them.

  They forgot all about the whole thing.

  Dameon had a lousy lunch instead of a great lunch. But five minutes later it didn’t make any difference. He couldn’t taste it anymore, and he was full. He went outside to play basketball and forgot about the whole thing.

  Joy had a great lunch and two Tootsie Roll pops. But five minutes later it didn’t make any difference. She couldn’t taste it anymore, and she was full. And at dinnertime she was hungry, just the same.

  But a horrible thing happened. Joy couldn’t forget about filching Dameon’s lunch. And for the rest of the year, every turkey sandwich, piece of chocolate cake, apple, and Tootsie Roll pop tasted like Miss Mush’s porridge.

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  28

  Nancy

  Nancy had big hands and big feet. He didn’t like his name. He thought it was a girl’s name.

  None of the other children in Mrs. Jewls’s class thought that Nancy’s name was odd. They didn’t think of it as a girl’s name or as a boy’s name. Nancy was just the name of the quiet kid with the big hands and feet who sat over there in the corner next to John.

  Nancy was very quiet and shy. He was ashamed of his name. He had only one friend, a girl who went to class on the twenty-third story of Wayside School.

  They were friends for a good reason. He didn’t know her name, and she didn’t know his. They just called each other “Hey, you,” or just plain “You.”

  Nancy was afraid to ask his friend what her name was because then he might have to tell her his name. He never could figure out why she never asked. But he was happy just to leave well enough alone.

  One morning, Nancy and his friend were late. When they got to the twenty-third story, his friend’s teacher was waiting outside.

  “Hurry up. You’re late, Mac,” said the teacher.

  Nancy’s friend turned red. She didn’t move.

  “Come on, Mac, shake a leg. Get the lead out,” said the teacher.

  “Your name is Mac!” said Nancy.

  Mac was very pretty. She had red hair and freckles. She covered her face and ran into the room.

  “My name is Nancy!” Nancy called after her.

  Mac stepped back outside. “I was ashamed to tell you my name,” she said.

  “Me, too,” said Nancy. “Nancy’s a girl’s name.”

  “Oh, I think it’s cute,” said Mac.

  “I like the name Mac,” said Nancy.

  “Mac is a boy’s name,” said Mac.

  “My mother has a rich aunt named Nancy,” said Nancy. “That’s why she gave me the name.”

  “My mother once had a dog named Mac,” said Mac.

  “Hey, do you want to trade?” Nancy asked.

  “Can we?” asked Mac.

  “I don’t see why not,” said Nancy.

  “Okay,” said Mac.

  They both spun around one hundred times in opposite directions until they were so dizzy that they fell over. When they stood up, Mac was Nancy and Nancy was Mac.

  They said good-bye. Then Mac raced up to Mrs. Jewls’s room. He was no longer shy.

  “Hi, everybody. My name’s Mac,” he announced. “I traded names.” He held out his big hand.

  §

  Todd jumped up and shook it. “Hi, Mac,” he said. “Glad to meet you.”

  “How you doin’, Mac,” said Ron.

  “Howdy, Mac,” said Terrence.

  “Nice to see you, Mac,” said Bebe.

  “You traded names?” asked Jason. Jason didn’t like his name, either.

  “That’s right, Jason, old boy,” said Mac.

  “Is that allowed?” asked Jason.

  “Why not!” said Mac.

  “Hey, anybody want to trade?” Jason called.

  “I’ll trade with you,” said Terrence. He didn’t like his name, either.

  “Wait. I’ll trade with you, Terrence,” said Maurecia. Maurecia didn’t like her name.

  “No. He’s trading with me,” said Jason.

  “I’ll trade with you, Maurecia,” said Dameon.

  “No, thanks,” said Maurecia.

  “I’ll trade with you, Dameon,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “No, I want to be Mrs. Jewls,” said Stephen.

  It turned out that nobody in Mrs. Jewls’s class liked his name. The children all spun around in different directions until they got so dizzy that they fell over. And when they stood up again, nobody knew who anybody was.

  “What are we going to do, Mrs. Jewls?” asked Leslie, who was really Eric Bacon.

  “My name is not Mrs. Jewls. It’s Maurecia,” answered Terrence, who was really Jason.

  “It is not. I’m Maurecia,” said Deedee, who was really Joe.

  “You’re both wrong,” said Maurecia. “I’m Mrs. Jewls.”

  This went on for an hour. At last they figured out who the real Rondi was. She was missing her two front teeth. After they figured out Rondi, they were able to get Allison pretty easily. And then from there they got D.J., Dameon, and Mrs. Jewls. She was the oldest one.

  Eventually they figured out who everybody really was. They had some difficulty deciding which Eric was which, and actually they are still not absolutely sure.

  Everybody just decided to keep his own name. The children didn’t like them, but it made things much easier.

  Mac and Nancy kept their new names. But when they were together they still called each other “Hey, you,” or just plain “You.”

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  29

  Stephen

  Stephen had green hair. He had purple ears and a blue face. He wore his sister’s pink dancing shoes and green leotards. The leotards matched his hair. He was all dressed up as a goblin for Mrs. Jewls’s Halloween party.

  But unfortunately it wasn’t Halloween.

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bsp; “Ha, ha, ha, you sure look stupid,” said Jason. Jason was Stephen’s best friend.

  “So do you,” said Stephen.

  “Boy, are you dumb,” said Jenny. “Halloween is on Sunday. Today is only Friday.”

  “You’re the one who’s dumb,” said Stephen. “Ha, ha, you’d probably come to school on Sunday. Mrs. Jewls said we’d have the party today.”

  But none of the other children wore costumes, only Stephen.

  “All right, class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “It is time for our Halloween party.”

  “See,” said Stephen.

  Mrs. Jewls gave each child a cookie that looked like an orange witch with a black hat. She laughed when she saw Stephen and forgot to give him one. Stephen didn’t ask for it. He was afraid that she’d laugh again.

  The children finished their cookies in less than thirty seconds.

  “All right, class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “The party is over. We have a lot of work to do.”

  Stephen felt like a fool. The party lasted less than a minute. And he had to spend the rest of the day wearing his stupid goblin suit.

  “Look, Stephen’s wearing his sister’s leotards,” laughed Dana.

  “They’re green, just like his hair,” said “Fatso.”

  Everybody laughed.

  Mrs. Jewls began the arithmetic lesson. She wrote on the blackboard. “Two plus two equals five.”

  “That’s wrong!” Joy shouted.

  Mrs. Jewls tried again. “Two plus two equals three.”

  That wasn’t right, either. She added two and two again and got forty-three. It was useless. No matter how hard she tried, she could not get two plus two to equal four.

  “I don’t understand it,” she said. “They’ve always equaled four before.”

  Suddenly she screamed. The chalk turned into a squiggling worm! She dropped it on her foot.

  Then all the lights went out, and the blackboard lit up like a movie screen.

  A woman appeared on the screen. She had a long tongue and pointed ears. She stepped off the screen and into the classroom.

  It was the ghost of Mrs. Gorf.

  Mrs. Gorf ran her fingernails across the blackboard. “Trick or treat, you rotten kids,” she said. “Now I’ll get even with every last one of you. Where’s Todd?”