Sideways Stories from Wayside School Read online

  “Who is that?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Mrs. Gorf,” said Dameon.

  “Who’s Mrs. Gorf?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “She was the meanest teacher we ever had,” said Rondi.

  “What happened to her?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Louis ate her,” said Jason.

  “Well, I’m not going to allow this,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Get out of my classroom!” she demanded.

  “It’s Halloween, sweet teacher,” said Mrs. Gorf. “Ghosts can go anywhere they like. I’ve come for a little class reunion.”

  “But it isn’t Halloween,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Halloween is still two days away.”

  “I know,” said Mrs. Gorf, “but Halloween falls on a Sunday this year, so we are celebrating it on the Friday before.”

  Stephen leaped up from his seat. “See, I was right,” he said. “Today is the day we celebrate it, the Friday before! Mrs. Gorf proved it.”

  He ran up to Mrs. Gorf. “They all laughed at me and made me feel stupid because I was the only one who got dressed up. But they were the ones who were wrong. You and I are right.”

  He put his arms around Mrs. Gorf and hugged her.

  Mrs. Gorf gasped and disappeared.

  The lights came back on.

  Mrs. Jewls picked up the piece of chalk from the floor. She wrote on the blackboard, “Two plus two equals four.”

  “That’s good,” she said. “When two plus two doesn’t equal four, anything can happen.”

  All the children who had laughed at Stephen now called him a hero. But they told him to change out of his stupid costume.

  So at lunch, Stephen went home, washed up, and changed. He came back wearing blue jeans and a polo shirt. Of course, his hair was still green. It always was.

  ∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧

  30

  Louis

  Louis had a red face and a mustache of many colors. He was the yard teacher at Wayside School. It was his job to see that the children didn’t have too much fun during lunch and recess.

  And if you haven’t already guessed, he is the one who wrote this book.

  On June tenth there was a blizzard. Louis was afraid that the children would have too much fun, so nobody was allowed outside.

  “Class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “After you finish your lunch today, come back up to the classroom. You are not allowed outside.”

  The children all went to the lunchroom. Miss Mush had made Tuna Surprise. They looked at it, then hurried back up the stairs.

  There was nothing to do.

  “Now, class,” said Mrs. Jewls, “I know that you are all bored, but I have a special surprise for you.”

  “I hope it’s better than the Tuna Surprise,” said Maurecia.

  Mrs. Jewls continued, “Louis is going to come up and entertain us. He will tell us a story. Now I want you all to be on your best behavior.”

  When Louis walked in, all the children booed.

  “Are you going to tell us a story?” asked Bebe.

  “Yes,” said Louis.

  “Well, it better be good,” Bebe warned.

  “It better be better than the Tuna Surprise,” said “Butterfingers.”

  “I thought the Tuna Surprise was good,” said Louis.

  “You’d eat dirt if they put enough ketchup on it,” said Mac.

  “Hey, everybody, be quiet,” said Todd. “Let him tell the story.”

  “Not too loud, Louis,” said Sharie. “I’m trying to get some sleep.”

  Louis sat in the middle of the room, and all the children gathered around.

  Louis began his story. “This is a story about a school very much like this one. But before we get started, there is something you ought to know so that you don’t get confused. In this school every classroom is on the same story.”

  “Which one, the eighteenth?” asked Jenny.

  “No, said Louis. “They are all on the ground. The school is only one story high.”

  “Not much of a school,” laughed Dameon.

  Louis continued. “Now you might think the children there are strange and silly. That is probably true. However, when I told them stories about you, they thought that you were strange and silly.”

  “US?” the children answered. “How are we strange?”

  “I’m normal,” said Stephen. “Aren’t I?”

  “As normal as I am,” Joe assured him.

  “The children at that school must be crazy,” said Leslie.

  “Real lulus,” Maurecia agreed.

  “Tell us about them, Louis,” Bebe demanded.

  “For one thing,” Louis said, “none of these children has ever been turned into an apple.”

  “That’s silly,” said Deedee. “Everybody’s been turned into an apple. It’s part of growing up.”

  Louis continued. “Dead rats don’t walk into classrooms wearing raincoats.”

  “What do they wear, tuxedos?” asked Todd.

  “And girls never try to sell their toes,” Louis added.

  “Well, no wonder,” said Leslie, “at today’s prices.”

  Louis continued. “They don’t trade names or read upside down. They can’t turn mosquito bites into numbers. They don’t count the hairs on their heads. The walls don’t laugh, and two plus two always equals four.”

  “How horrible,” said Dameon.

  “That’s not the worst of it,” said Louis. “They have never tasted Maurecia-flavored ice cream.”

  A hush fell over the classroom.

  “Mrs. Jewls, I’m scared,” said Allison. “Is there really a school like that?”

  “Of course not,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Louis was just telling a story.”

  “It was a good story,” said Leslie.

  “I thought it was stupid,” said Kathy.

  “I liked it,” said Rondi. “It was funny.”

  Mrs. Jewls said, “Louis, it was a very entertaining story. But we don’t really go in for fairy tales here. I’m trying to teach my class the truth.”

  “That’s all right,” said Louis. “I have to go down to room twenty-nine now and tell them a story.” He started out the door.

  “Class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Let’s all thank Louis for his wonderful story.”

  Everybody booed.

  EOF